In a time loop akin to James Sunderland himself, the Silent Hill fandom has descended into madness upon the release of a new game once again. Long time veteran fans knew this was coming.
I knew that Silent Hill f was going to be divisive among fans – some people still dislike Silent Hill 4, after all – and it’s fine, regardless of your opinion, so long as you fully understand the material: being a metaphor for the fear of marriage, littered with symbolism that just reinforces this. Most people do, to their credit, but then along came a post on Reddit mocking the protagonist Hinako for even having fears of marriage in the first place.
“Oh no,” it read. No eyeroll emoji, but the intent was felt. Then it said something along the lines of: “a loving family and kids, oh no!”
Sure, you may not have that fear, and that’s fine; it may even seem dumb to the particularly privileged. But to me, it was as real as seeing myself in a mirror.
I’m getting married next year on October 3rd (yes, it’s a Fullmetal Alchemist reference), and, very similarly to Hinako, I had to confront a lot of terrors teenage me had bottled up. After trying (and failing) to avoid it while wedding planning, it caused a mental implosion – ironically, the same time I got this game.
Little did I know that playing this game would force me to confront teenage me and those exact fears, face to face.
This article will contain spoilers for Silent Hill f, its story, endings, and happenings.
Consider Hinako’s Exposure To Marriage
Born To A Home With Cracked Foundations
Right off the bat, during the game’s opening cutscene, we see that Hinako does not have a good home life. Reading her Journal reinforces this; a drunken father who dictates the house with fear and violence, and an enabling mother who equally punishes Hinako if she tries to speak against it. It’s an oppressive atmosphere, and an immediately warped view of what marriage and “love” is supposed to look like, especially in Showa Era Japan. However, it’s not exclusive to that time, nor place, as many have been born into homes with cracked foundations.
I obviously don’t want to get into the details of my own childhood, but I related heavily with Hinako. While I’ve been estranged from my parents for years now, I found that, similarly to Hinako, my initial conceptions of marriage and love were flawed, twisted and horrifying in a grotesque monster that doesn’t reflect reality.
In fact, if you would have asked cynical, 17-year-old me how I even felt about marriage, I would have told you how love didn’t exist in the first place — I would have even gone on a tirade about how love is actually a delusion, pointing to outdated divorce statistics and viral Tumblr nonsense.
Playing as Hinako, we see that she feels similarly – that when a woman is married, they are then forced to deal with nonsensical rage and violence, coddling partners and carrying their babies along the way. It’s a horrific cycle of abuse she’s seen repeated in her family, and in others, as we find in various letters throughout the game. Every bride we see is faceless; a follower, without autonomy or hope for their future whatsoever.
Hinako’s only exposure to “love” has been abuse, so it’s only natural that she’s immediately resistant to it. It’s even more natural for her to be afraid of it, especially in the mind of someone young and vulnerable.
Seeing Hinako felt like seeing another version of myself, in another era on the other side of the world: a deeply traumatised and angry girl, with a deep hatred of being told what to do, how to act and how to behave, especially if it had something to do with gender, societal norms or other immense pressures. Each of her endings felt like seeing a glimpse of my own future, of what inner turmoil I’m destined to face if I don’t learn to co-exist with that angry girl, and really listen to what she has to scream.
While Hinako didn’t have a loving childhood, she was given enough exposure to a toxic relationship to know that she didn’t want any part of it. The rest of the game reinforces this, with each scene reflective of her desperate sadness, the fears of losing herself and everything that makes her who she is all for the sake of being the perfect wife.
Even the torture scenes are symbolic. Hinako, as we see throughout the game, is right-handed, so to take away her autonomy, that’s the hand she’s forced to saw off and replace with the Fox Arm. Her back is branded with an insignia that belongs to another clan entirely, marking her as property of the man she is to wed. Then, finally, her face is carved away, replaced with a fox mask similar to the ones we see all others in the clan wear, making her faceless, with no identity or personality other than her husband – so when we meet Junko, finally, and see that her face is replaced with an owl mask, it’s symbolic of being married off to another family.
Growing up, I thought that’s what being a wife meant: losing my autonomy, my world and my identity, all the way down to my own name. Of course, my fiancé wouldn’t ask such things of me – in fact, we’re both changing our last names to Chapella, so it’s not just me. However, that didn’t stop teenage me from being absolutely petrified by the idea of marriage, because I was certain that I would be cursed to a life of continuous abuse, just like many other women had.
So, if you don’t have a fear of marriage, that just tells me that you didn’t grow up in a home with cracked foundations like Hinako (or myself) had. That’s a good thing, obviously, but that doesn’t mean that other people had it just as lucky. That doesn’t mean that everyone else who had been exposed to cruelty at a young age will think the same way.
Growing up in a broken home more often than not leads to abusive relationships, so it’s only natural for people like me, for people like Hinako, to fear that cycle.
Fear Doesn’t Equal Hatred
In A Teenager’s Mind, They’re The Same
Now let’s clear something up: just because Hinako displays fears of marriage doesn’t mean that she hates marriage. Clearly, a part of her does want to go through with the marriage, to be reborn as someone else and to live a new life where she feels loved and accepted. However, there’s so much inner conflict she has to work through before she finds that courage to continue – and in the mind of a teenager, that’s nearly impossible.
I’ve seen people misunderstand this conflict to mean that the game is anti-marriage, but that couldn’t be further from the case, especially if you actually played New Game+ (and New Game ++) to get the full story. Hinako is simply scared of getting married; it doesn’t mean that she is wholly against the idea, as we see.
Similarly, just because I was terrified of marriage as a teenager doesn’t change the fact I’m getting married next year.
Teenagers tend to combine fear and hatred into the same thing, using them interchangeably when they don’t even understand what they’re talking about. I am a high school teacher for my day job, and I see this time and time again with my students: they don’t know how to properly navigate relationships, especially if they come from a home with cracked foundations. Even worse, with emotions and hormones running rampant during this age, every single stressor, every little bump in the road feels like the literal end of the world. So when faced with an impossibly adult choice like marriage, the teenage brain will just short circuit.
Adolescence is also the most crucial period of development in terms of social situations and identity. Not only do teenagers care deeply about their image and about how they’re perceived (even if they pretend they don’t care, they really do), they’re also trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be. Hinako knows who she doesn’t want to be, but that’s about it.
Hinako is scared of marriage for a simple reason: she doesn’t want to become like her mother. During the epilogue of The Fox’s Wedding (one of the endings), we see Hinako’s face sliced off on the shrine grounds, screaming no over and over again, about how she’s scared, about how she doesn’t want to become like her mother. By the way, shout out to Hinako’s voice actress during that scene – it was absolutely harrowing and still rattles me every time I watch it; every time, I still feel it.
My fears of marriage come from the exact same place: I don’t want to become my mother.
Sure, there’s doubt about the overall institution of marriage and how women are treated in relationships, but in the true ending (Ebisugaoka in Silence), Hinako talks about wanting to propose to Kotoyuki (the Fox Mask, who is trying to marry her) herself. She’s scared of what her future will entail if she does go through with marriage, but the shining beacon of that fear is simply repeating the cycle of abuse.
These are fears I had to directly face in this game (and promptly dissected in therapy later), reminding me that marriage itself isn’t the problem, but the way I was shown it. And of course, going through my high school years with a bad relationship, it just cemented this disdain and stretched out my fears.
Now that my frontal lobe is developed, I understand that I was simply afraid, but teenage me didn’t understand that – just as Hinako doesn’t understand that.
All we know is that we don’t want that cycle of abuse to repeat just as we’re breaking free from it, but there’s something we had to do first before that could be guaranteed: we had to face our fear.
Bravery Is Sitting With Your Fear
It’s Why Ebisugaoka In Silence Is The Best Ending
Playing this game forced me to speak to my inner self, like Hinako had – just without the White Claudia. I was forced to look at her, to listen to her, to finally admit that I’m afraid. Ignoring her would only worsen my inner turmoil, just as Hinako covering her ears and running away only worsened hers.
The true ending, Ebisugaoka in Silence, shows how the best thing for Hinako is Hinako herself, and some time. Taking the time to actually think through a choice, to co-exist with all aspects of herself without warring with herself over it, and self-acceptance are the messages that make this the best ending objectively, and the best for everyone involved.
Especially since, as we see in the other epilogues, rushing into a choice one way or another leads to further despair. In Coming Home to the Roost, Hinako goes on a drug-induced rampage and kills everyone. In The Fox’s Wedding, Hinako’s married, but is mentally suffering due to unflinching fears of ending up like her mother. In The Fox Wets Its Tail, Hinako runs away, but it causes disastrous consequences for Ebisugaoka and everything she knew despite how desperately she clung to it. There is no happy ending if she rushes into a decision, even for Kotoyuki.
The best ending came from her thinking through a decision, and being able to look at the other version of herself without trying to kill it. Even if she goes through with getting married, it’s after careful consideration and acceptance that marriage doesn’t guarantee repeating the cycle. It doesn’t mean that she’s going to lose everything and everyone, but things will change – it’s just natural for humans to fear change.
Even on the title screen for this ending, both versions of Hinako are sitting next to each other, co-existing despite her fears. It’s a beautiful symbol of bravery, of self-reflection, and the freedom of choice.
While it may seem nonsensical to someone who doesn’t have the fear of marriage, it’s a mental biography for someone like me. It’s reminder after reminder of how my mind will eat itself alive if I don’t confront my inner teen, and how I’ll be doomed to repeat the cycle of abuse in one way or another if I try to run away from it. It was a grim, grotesque mirror that I had to stare into, before finally realising that I still have wings.
And yet, in spite of it all, I’m sitting with my fears with a newfound comfort and reassurance for next year – and of course, with a game that touched me so deeply, and so personally, that I’m going to hyperfixate over it until the end of time.
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Author: 360 Technology Group
